Part 2 of 2.
In
Part 1 of this blogpost (click
here for link), I've written and shared my thoughts about sex and have raised several questions on whether or not one has to be married before he or she can enjoy sex. Given today's culture and society where 'casual sex' and sex in relationships are just a common thing, is it worth staying virgin until the day of marriage? What if a person never gets married, does it mean he is not supposed to experience sex ever at all?
Unlike in the first part however where I shared several scriptures to highlight points, this last piece of two parts will deal with excerpts from Passion and Purity, a book which became one of my top picks with its tag line that reads Bringing Your Love Life Under Christ's Control.
PERSONAL STORY & THAT SONG ON MY MIND
It was one of the usual days back in high school. The weather was humid, and Social Studies seemed boring at that particular time of the day. If my memory serves me right, I was expecting that the topic would take off from our previous lessons, but I was totally wrong. Surprisingly, our teacher opened the discussion with a not-related topic from that week's supply of news journals - a featured article about teenage crush and puppy love. Well, for a group of young people who nurtured crush on other girls and boys around the campus, the topic was definitely one refreshing and interesting.
I could feel the sudden spark of interest and excitement inside the classroom; the boys passing some jokes toward each other in the middle of the discussion. While listening to my teacher, I caught myself dreaming with a smile as I thought of the boy across the other classroom who often made me tickle pink whenever we cross paths around the school quadrangle.
When the time was almost up, the mood got a little serious though. Our Social Studies teacher was discussing things like sex and virginity, and how important it is for everyone especially for girls to value their virginity. As I was looking at her, fair in her royal blue dress, I could feel the sternness as she wrapped up the discussion. Her voice was loud and clear enough:
“How beautiful it is to give yourself ‘fully and completely’ to the one you’ll marry someday"
She described that virginity is the best gift a woman could ever give to the man she'll be married to someday on their first night together as a married couple.
Those were the final words before the class was dismissed.
Right now, I couldn't figure out exactly why my teacher lectured about sex and virginity during Social Studies Class where sex education was not within the scope of the course outline. And why she chose to discuss said topic out of all the featured articles from the news journals we had back then. Today, I still find it vivid in my memory how the article had looked like, the font, the caricature and the exact title: TRUE LOVE WAITS: Of Teenage Crushes and Puppy Loves. Honestly, I did not give the lesson an afterthought nor did I and my friends talk about it again. As for my teacher, I have not seen her the succeeding school year as I heard she transferred to other school. But looking back now, I can tell how her words left some mark in a distant memory back in high school when the world seemed young, and I was carefree.
In 1997, a Pinoy rock song dominated the local charts, with lyrics that went like these:
Lo, mabuti pa kayo ni lola, namulat sa matitinong uso. Lo, kahit baduy ka pang pumorma, kay lola ikaw naman ang nauna. (Granny, good for you you were raised to decent trends. Granny, though you're off-fashioned, you were the first (and only) man in grandma's life)
The entire song draws a huge disparity between the 90's and the old days, the time when people were old-fashioned. The above lyrics were sexually implicit, insinuating that you can hardly find a virgin these days.
VIRGINITY: WHAT IT IS ABOUT?
Virginity, as defined, is the state of being single and never been into bed with anyone; it is lack of sexual experience. Elizabeth Elliot, author of the book Passion and Purity, defined it this way:
"…singleness meant one thing: VIRGINITY. If you were single, you had not been in bed with any man."
"If you are to be permanently single, you are never going to be in bed with any man.”
Mrs. Elliot further explained her definition of the term:
“The reason why my roommates and I believed that singleness was synonymous with virginity was not that we were college students a hundred years ago when everybody believed that. It was not that we didn’t know any better. It was not that we were too naรฏve to have heard that people have been committing adultery and fornication for millennia. It was not that we were not yet liberated or even that we were just plain stupid. The reason is that we were “Christians”. We prized the sanctity of sex.”
As stated, Mrs. Elliot and her friends valued virginity with the highest regard for one special reason, that is, they prized the sanctity of sex --- at all costs and against all odds - no matter how difficult it may seem for them. That's how I see it. The excerpts below will give us a hint that upholding the sanctity of sex is never an easy thing to do, especially in this fallen world where temptations are real, strong and inevitable:
" It would be foolish to deny that there are pleasures along the road. There is plenty of what people call fun. There are thrills, gratifications, (sexual gratifications), experiences (sexual experiences). emphasis mine
Many times people ask why I am still single and they tell me to go and marry as though that's an easy thing for me to do at a time when I am not even exclusively dating anyone (and hey, if I were dating, should I be the one to propose marriage?!) They would say life without your own family is something difficult and lonely. Some would even express worry about my age (yes I know I'm 39), saying it might be too late for me to bear a child. I don't feel pressured or affected by all their questioning but if they only know how such questions and remarks can often catch single women off guard or even leave them frustrated, perhaps people would be sensitive enough not to ask anyone single or give insensitive remarks about their single hood.
Once I heard somebody sharing her own story in a speaking engagement. The woman was romantically involved with a guy who did "not have the same faith as hers". With her faith and walk with God at stake, her friends gave her warning yet her defiant spirit would pay deaf ears to their advice that she was even inclined to marry the guy once he proposed to her. One night she dreamed of herself, all dressed up in a beautiful wedding gown - standing before the most handsome and gorgeous guy she has even seen in her entire life, the man of her dreams. But when she looked around, nobody was around - no friends, no loved ones were present to share her joys. Suddenly sadness filled her in her dream. She woke up sobbing, and as if finally coming to her senses from long-time slumber, she realized how she long had been hurting the people around her - the people who love her - and most especially God - because of her desire to keep a relationship that was foremost not glorifying to God. Of course there were other happenings and stories in between prior to such realizations. But that moment she was torn and caught up between wanting to get marry, to have that someone in her life over the realization and decision to give up a relationship that she thought she had ever wanted. I heard her voice cracked when she recounted breaking up with the guy despite her long desire to have a husband. While listening, I went teary eyed as well. I know it's not crying over stories we can well relate to, but it' s understanding the journey one has to go through being a single, especially when faced with temptations to compromise or give in.
Mrs. Elliot in her book Passion and Purity recalled this incident while dating Jim Elliot:
"In the afternoon, Jim drove me to the railroad station in Chicago...I wanted him to kick over all the traces, grab me in a rib-cracking embrace, and kiss me without taking a breath till the train started to pull away. That was one part of me wanted. Another part said no."
Temptations, specifically sexual temptations are real and strong, even stronger than we may think they are. Being in our carnal state, we desire what is carnal; we have fleshly desires. But being a true Christian calls us not to give in to temptations. Now, that's where the struggle comes in. You desire to do something (I'm pertaining to sin;the sin of sexual immorality in particular ) but since you know that God would not be glorified when you give in, you don't do it. You instead say no; you choose to walk away. Isn't that difficult and sad at the same time? You want to do it, yet you let it go. That's exactly what I mean. Unless we feel the pain of this fleshly struggle, unless our own hearts bleed to choose (to desire) the will of God than the desire of our flesh, we will most likely find ourselves getting caught and trapped into sins and falling into the same trap over and over.
“The desires still exist, are still strong, natural and human, but they are subjugated to the higher power of the Spirit ( self-control ). They are purified and corrected as we live day by day in faith and obedience (to God).”
The book Passion and Purity shares a simple and very practical way to overcome the fleshly desire and struggle:
“If your passions are aroused say so - to yourself and to God, not to the object of your passion. Then turn your reins over to God. Bring your will to Him. Will to obey Him, ask for his help. he will not do the obeying for you, but He will help you....”
One time while scrolling through my Facebook news feeds, I saw a video shared by a friend with a caption: sometimes it's better to have sex before marriage. The video was about this couple who has just gotten married and the guy was so shocked to discover during their honeymoon that he actually married a homosexual. The guy was portrayed in terrible disbelief and in the state of "how to turn back?" It has its comical side. As expected, the video raved a lot of views and shares...and laughs.
In this generation where (almost) everything is permissible and acceptable, and sex becomes a salable commodity in the social media and even in real life, sugar coat and water down have become two of the major crimes that seem to go unnoticed.
How many movies, local and international alike, have turned out to be big hits and have been talked about because of their "sex" factor? What about the local films and TV soaps and series that were fanatically been followed? I have nothing personal against these movies and soaps; what I am concerned about is how these stuff have changed and influenced minds of both young and adults in such a way to have an open acceptance and healthy view about premarital sex or sex outside marriage, or have a feel-good about having sex in relationships? Do we see the red flags?
I remember two mothers who once popped out the usual question as to when I am getting married. Along in our conversation, one of them said to me that she wants her own daughter to settle down. As expressed, this daughter who is living across the miles where people are more liberated, seems to be open about doing a one-night stand in her hopes to get pregnant (I heard that some women only want children and not husbands). It seems to me that mother idoesn't have any objections or opposition thus far about such a thing. We parted ways and I was left amazed.
Sugarcoat is when we try to make sins as if they are beautiful and acceptable while water down is when we make sins appear to be light and we substitute the will of God for our own standards. At any rate I was reminded of this phrase, seems right? Or is actually right in the eyes of God?
WOMEN, LET'S STAND OUR GROUND
I believe that as women, we play significant roles in men's life in the context of romantic relationships. Remember the story of Adam and Eve? It was the latter who tempted the former and not the other way around - to commit a sin - not immorality, but disobedience, by eating the forbidden fruit. What I'm trying to point out is this, we women must guard our own hearts and relationships. If we say NO and do not give consent ( to go to bed with guys) then they can do nothing. Otherwise, the act would constitute rape or an attempt because it involves a violation of our rights and will. But if we give in, then it would be a totally different story.
Hope that as women we must remember that sad story when Eve tempted Adam and it changed the course of history of mankind dramatically and permanently. How about giving a healthy respect on that by standing our ground to keep out of bed with guys not our husbands (yet)? I believe that we've got God's approval on this matter. It's a beautiful role God has bestowed upon us, women.
Changing time and fashions, our past, families, culture, environment, among others, define and shape our thinking with regard love, sex and virginity. Although we may vary in opinion and beliefs, there are teachings and commands that are higher and more supreme than what we might feel and think. To love is to hate evil and to cling to the good (Romans 12:9) and truth. But How can one love in truth without knowing the truth in the first place? Sex as well is a sacred gift from God and it being sacred, must be restricted within the confines of Holy Matrimony, out of respect, love and reverence to the GIVER.
As for virginity, it is equated with purity; staying pure and holy for God, honoring God through our bodies because it is His temple (1 Cor. 6:19-20). Likewise, as my High School Teacher had put it during our off-topic discussion that day several years ago: it's the best gift a woman or man can give his or her partner when they first come together as married couple. Single virgins must be called higher to keep their virginity until marriage; and must be humble before God for such state. But what about single who have already lost their virginity? Mrs. Elliot of the book Passion and Purity has these answers filled with grace arising from the glimmers of hope that came by the blood of Christ:
" Have I nothing to say, then, to those who have already been in bed? I would have to imagine that my unmarried readers are all virgins. Those who have given away their virginity....I write to them to say that there is no purity in any of us apart from the blood of Jesus. All of us without exception are sinners...some in one way, some in another. If I can help,some to avoid sin, I want to do that. If I can show others that the message of the Gospel is the possibility of a new birth and new beginning and a new creation, I want to do that."
Lastly I want to end this article with another excerpt from the same book:
" How shall I speak of a careless kisses to a generation nurtured on the assumption that nearly everybody goes to bed with everybody? Of those who flounder in the sea of permissiveness and self-indulgence, are there any who still search the sky for the beacon of purity? IF I DID NOT BELIEVE THERE WERE, I WOULD NOT BOTHER TO WRITE."
I'm ending this article by borrowing those statements. If I didn't believe that there are those who still search the sky for a beacon of purity, then I wouldn't have bothered to write this post.
Yes, If I didn't believe, I wouldn't have bothered to write this blog post.
